Desaints, Mattw, Dragon…..

yet again i have managed to make myself feel like shit again, i have no clue what to do either. I have such wonderful supportive friends, but all i can think about is what is behind me, what i have lost, what i can never have, and what i want the most, someone to love, someone to spend time with, but most of all something solid to hold close to me, that i can call my own and protect knowing that they feel safe with me, and that i would do anything for them.

That is the problem that i am facing at this time. My huge dilemma, my tragic play, my god Shakespeare would be proud of me…

I know it sounds corny but this is how i feel, and i don’t know what to do. I’m not even the emotional type, i couldn’t even cry at either of my grandparents funerals, i loved my grandpa with all my heart and this is what happens over something so trivial as being alone. Shows how strong i am right?

Yet again sadness engulfs my night, but i will not let it ruin another week for me. I will start to diligently look for a job tomorrow, i will clean the house up completely, and i will work on getting my room cleaned up too look half decent, even though i could never get it looking completely well off. The fact that i have to yet again write about what a shitty end of the day ive just had again only tells me one thing, never be the second hand dealt in a relationship, i had to cut my losses knowing full well what was going on, again.

Never again will i be fall into this trap of relationship sorrow and disappointment.

Well tomorrow i plan to wake up at a decent hour and go for my bike ride, and hopefully get back to my usual schedule, and ignore everything that has happened this summer. Get back to the old plan, and now I’m wondering if it will not be until after next summer when i join the air-force and go on my marry way.

IMO this might be the best thing for me is to get completely concentrated on my work and my goals.

The day began as any other, i was awoken by my parents being told to clean up the 2 cheese stick wrappers from the living room and the hat that i had left there the previous night after watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force. After that i then found out i was no longe “alowed” to have my friend over to hang out, you know its only been 2 months since weve seen each other but its ok.. lol. well thats the shitting beginning.

mid day - working on a paper for about 1 hour then take a break, go for a 3 mile bike ride, because i cant make my usual 6 miles due to my summer in ohio and not working out the entire time there. So i come home bottle of water in hand a little tired and i chat on the internet for a while and upload some more pictures of my pets to my gallery  (Pet Gallery). I then recieve a phone call from my mother asking if i wanted to go over to her friends house to a party they were having, so i said sure ill go, im pretty much done with my paper for today. Long story short we went and i was talking with my girlfriend in all of 3 to 6 text messages the entire night, the party was fun i had a chocolate cake shot, hard to explain, it involved some sort of fruit and sugar, a clear liqour, which is probably where the cake taste came from, i dont know much about the whole thing. Some really fun things happened there and we got some amazing youtube quality video and sound recording which i will post at a later date and link to ect ect ect.

The shity ending -

Well…. sorry to say my relationship took the pitfall tonight, she finally couldn’t handle the long distance relationship, i was worried that this might happen seeing as we are about 3 and half hours away from each other. I could probably have guessed from the beginning it was going to end this way but not so soon. And like i had confided in one of my friends who will be left unnamed, i like her a lot, the problem is the distance, the only barrier that is known to me.

So in the end of the day, i managed to get some interesting conversations recorded, some interesting video recorded, and loose the first person who i couldn’t wait to hear from, the first person who i would stay up to 3 in the morning because they said they might be up then, i guess its all over now, it’s neither of our fault, the outstanding situation being what it is and how it came to be, in the end it was a good ride and i hope we can both remember it for what it was and not how and why it ended.

So I’m sitting here watching chitty chitty bang bang in my livin room with my parents and little brother while i think to myself, wtf, a musical… that i like? so many things go through your mind when you think of these things.

a little overview of my day…..

1. am - messing around on myspace and downloading a game
2. am - working on my website
3. am - working on my website and sms txt messaging someone to see if they are awake.
4. am - asleep
5. am - asleep
6. am - asleep
7. am - asleep
8. am - woken up to be told to watch my brother - then immediately falling asleep
9. am - asleep
10. am - asleep
11. am - wake up - have cereal _ rice crisp’s
12. pm - check my email - install a program and txt people

that’s pretty much my morning and my evening goes as such -

played baseball with my brother and dog, sat and talked on aim with people randomly, played microsoft flight simulator, txt some more people, check my myspace, talk to the crazy neighbor lady, and finally blog this out on the net….

So some good news though im dating somebody now, im not going to say who, if you cant figure it out or arent told directly you wont find out from me, (you might ask why, and i would say i quiet possibly might get in trouble :P) thats on the lighter side of the happenings.

Below Slipknot - Psychosocial best new song out on the market right now